Illiterate

Every year is hard in some way. Somebody dies or moves or meanders out of your life without you noticing until you see them in a new life, money--oh money. Maybe I don't have the perspecitive others have, or people don't think that I do, maybe I don't, but maybe I do. I've watched my family slowly but surely disintigrate just like most people have had to do and have had to wrap my head around the fact that they are not my mom, dad, and sister but three people with their own lives that they have every right to live without me involved. I don't blame my dad and sister for cutting me out. I know they'll always show up when/if I do something of interest and they love me even if they may not particularily care for me as a person. I don't blame them. But I love my mother even though she was sick my entire life and I still think she is and I hope what she gives me isn't out of guilt but sometimes guilt is love and I should just try not to take advantage of it because I may still be kind of angry because she's the only person who doesn't hate me in some way, large or small, and has always thought I was going to do something despite repeated proof that I would not, or possibly will not, never reminding me that I can be as cruel as her mother and letting me go through the phases without punishment and I hope someday I'll be able to pay her back, pay my father back, he said I broke his heart and I am sorry I don't know why I keep doing that.