This is the first time moving is really breaking my heart. I've always been excited to go somewhere new, but I'm not this time, really. Really I am just going one mile south, over one little river. I guess what this means to me is that what I thought would happen by coming here a year ago, never really did. Ever since I was a kid I knew I wanted to move to Manhattan, have some sort of important job and be able to pay for my own ham and cheese sandwiches. When I got here, I didn't know what I wanted. I am still here, and I still don't know what I want. I can't afford to live here anymore...this tiny but amazing apartment in the most exciting city in a neighborhood with the most exciting restaurants, museums...I just get up and walk to Central Park. Sometimes I go to the East river and watch the boats go up and down. I never earned it though, and I realized that. I never earned anything that I have. I didn't earn the plane ticket to get here, the books I just bought, the computer that I am typing on. Besides never earning any of these things, I have never attempted to make up for the fact I did not earn these things. I'm trying to tighten the belt. Most of you would never, ever in a million years move to the place that I am moving to. My mother was abstinate that I stay here, but I'm trying to live the life that I have earned--a little box in greenpoint in a renovated warehouse where musicians play 24/7 and smoke weed in the hallways. Maybe if I knew what I liked I would know what I want. I like the band, and I want to be in the band. We are doing very well. But I need to find a job. How do I do that? What kind of job can I have? Should I have? Would have me? I have failed every interview--from bartending to sales to PAs to even living in a fucking coop--It's starting to get to me. I don't know. I don't know what I am doing at all. I can't go visit my friends or my family. I would like that. I would like to have something to do, good god I am so bored.

White Stain

The pallor of a single night
Its only tough love for my
Clouded stain of a memory
I would like to fall in love with you
But I cannot
cause you deserve to be
Taken in completely
I would like to taste your mouth
But I cannot
And I would like to smell your body
But I cannot
White stain veil over my nose and mouth
White stain veil over my nose and mouth
Slipped and fell from that letter
Slipped and fell out of my bed
Religious city or my senses
Rub the alcohol into my skin
To replay my approaching
Ungaurded tenderness
I would like to taste your mouth
But I cannot
I would like to smell your body
But I cannot
White stain veil over my nose and mouth
White stain veil over my nose and mouth

~The Dead Science

Wreckognizable

I am the history
of the bars your genes
grew on your thigh
sometimes i get too nervous
and hit the wrong key
sometimes I give up on living
normally shhh the glass of wine
is saying something kind of lovely
your lips are turning something
kind of disgusting a dark
maroon cuddling in between
your yellowing teeth
is that why you never smile
at me?
Today it rained and a moth
landed behind my ear.
Tomorrow it's supposed to be
warm and you'll still be
going through a hard time
just like last year like the rest of us
white people why is that
a reason to not say thank you
when I told you about my fear
of being a woman to you?

I don't strum
with any one pair of hands
on my head anymore.

The pollen has come and It's a mess.

Apartment Hunting

Oh what will happen?
Will you ever barf out
DO YOU LOVE ME J JAY JAI J J J
I'm sorry I'm such a DICK
I'm sorry I'm such a complete DICK
women as law
as something that itches
as something that can be tucked into your britches
as something to write home about
as something to pose
as something that complicates pictures
as me something that doesn't make sense to you
scary yeah I scare myself
because it's fairly obvious that i don't really give much of a fuck in any real way about anybody especially not myself
myself as a woman as a mouth
that shuts the fuck up too much
or maybe not enough
I tore my pants on the pavement fuck my head!
red red red
yeah, it's the color of my breath
lovers are just people you know you can touch
it always is something
but it never is much

Wilty hair and fags

you're always going to be everywhere, aren't you time slut, even platform fuck i am so proud of you i hate your guts.

too bad your dad killed himself before he saw this.

run run run run pitter patter is the only beat you'll ever make vroom vroom in your sister's shitty car go ahead leave me here i guess i was never with you anyway, sucking saline in the valley, reading stories to kids in the mission, oh lord how we have led them to the stupidest parts of ourselves without decrrrrrrrHAY, but oh decay yeah inevitably. You always looked smashing in red but it doesn't matter because nobody, and I mean nobody baby, ever, in any whiskey soaked explanation, ever believes me.

Forehead

Is what I want so crazy?

a throat that isn't sore maybe a fingernail that just does not grow maybe--

someone who does not have such a horrifying life story but we all have at least one horrifying life story OMG all that matters to me right now is a _____ who____ and doesn't_____ about_____

I'm so tired of people being mad at me,

that poem i wrote in the last post was really fucking gay.

Next Tuesday

All of the horses

are purple and white.

A thousand different horses some day
we'll wake up and hear them galloping outside
All of the horses
they are purple and white
Someday we're going to wake up
and see them galloping outside.

We've all worked long weeks
and we're so tired tonight,
your hands like gloves of thread
made from mistakes of your life,
but someday we're going to wake up
and watch them galloping outside

All of the horses

are purple and white

I know that you're tired, really tired tonight
and I know that your mama never taught you how to ride
but someday we're going to wake up
and see them galloping outside
and I promise that you'll sleep soundly
for the first time in your life
when you see all the horses
purple and white.

Drizzle

I'm so sick of everyone blah blah blahing at me even if I were a mess, which I am not anymore, I don't need anybody blah blah blahing about it to everyone. I am too old.

I have waited and worked and flailed and gutted myself completely for this opportunity and I'm not going to let anything or anyone (even myself) fuck it up. I actually believe in it and I believe in everything else I am doing. I am doing well. I don't need or want a lot of things from my past because my new life, which could quickly fall apart I know, but my new life is FUCKING AWESOME.












YOU ACT LIKE A SLUT
BUT YOU'RE REALLY A FREEZER.