waxing your left forearm

this is the first time i
ever have looked like a woman,
something that deviates beyond lines
and scarves around my neck
always looped too tight, chaffing the skin.
this is the first time i
will forgive my equillibrium
for sloshing around in rebellion
against what I have done to my status quo
you and me, we both came unwanted
and i feel the weight of those years
on the top step, wobbling forward
my face is planted, my face is
overtaking this odd woman,
the only kind of woman
I have ever seen.

Yeah I suck dick she said
with a fag in her mouth, a liar
skinny and tall poking her finger
into some round man's eye
i'm going to shake you off though
get up on that horse
ride into my lame horizon
look back with all these remorses.

mom

you were just one of god's stolen children
blessed with less time
but you were all that i wanted
most of the time.
i can't forgive what happened to you
because it made me so mean
most of the time.
I could never stand to think
giving someone else our family
all those dense stares
thick with a secret about
what it means to live a life
all of that ugliness
all of the time.

Bad kids

We're all bad kids, man. All my friends are bad kids. Nice to be around other bad kids, sipping olive liqour and dancing with strangers, getting so drunk we think this one look is so devastating we'll never walk again, you can't say no. I can't say no. Go through it, add some paint strokes to this experience muddle it more with some mustard yellow, baby even if you wanted to, even if you could, you can't say no. Been waiting my whole life to run into someone like you, head first, honest sentences I will forget about the next morning and another one goes by like usual. I've been waiting my whole life for color, you pastel swoop, add yourself to the skyline right above the horizon I scribbled too hard with black ink and I'll think about you sometime when that song comes on all lazy and thick.

I thought now that I am old as fuck this bottoming out bullshit would have lost its appeal, the inactivity, all the sea sick dizzy fuckery--it should have stopped. I should have matured, learned to shut up and keep things closer to the vest, stop feigning confusion when I know exactly what it is I am doing, in those small spots of living and never in the larger sense, true-- but things are more simple than you'd like to believe. It is all very simple. That is the most complicating factor of the whole equation, just looking at a figure made of a few slashes and thinking, "no way that can be it." Someday I will tell you about it if we ever run into one another somewhere else in some other epoch of our lives we think we know is coming, but in fact will not.

I remember playing laser tag with my father one time in the spring of some year in the late 90's. That was a good day. I wonder how often my father thought about what it means to have a kid that has to eventually go from good to bad, start drinking coffee and fucking creeps. I am the worst. Life is for assholes.

fuck the universe