I thought now that I am old as fuck this bottoming out bullshit would have lost its appeal, the inactivity, all the sea sick dizzy fuckery--it should have stopped. I should have matured, learned to shut up and keep things closer to the vest, stop feigning confusion when I know exactly what it is I am doing, in those small spots of living and never in the larger sense, true-- but things are more simple than you'd like to believe. It is all very simple. That is the most complicating factor of the whole equation, just looking at a figure made of a few slashes and thinking, "no way that can be it." Someday I will tell you about it if we ever run into one another somewhere else in some other epoch of our lives we think we know is coming, but in fact will not.

I remember playing laser tag with my father one time in the spring of some year in the late 90's. That was a good day. I wonder how often my father thought about what it means to have a kid that has to eventually go from good to bad, start drinking coffee and fucking creeps. I am the worst. Life is for assholes.