This is the first time moving is really breaking my heart. I've always been excited to go somewhere new, but I'm not this time, really. Really I am just going one mile south, over one little river. I guess what this means to me is that what I thought would happen by coming here a year ago, never really did. Ever since I was a kid I knew I wanted to move to Manhattan, have some sort of important job and be able to pay for my own ham and cheese sandwiches. When I got here, I didn't know what I wanted. I am still here, and I still don't know what I want. I can't afford to live here anymore...this tiny but amazing apartment in the most exciting city in a neighborhood with the most exciting restaurants, museums...I just get up and walk to Central Park. Sometimes I go to the East river and watch the boats go up and down. I never earned it though, and I realized that. I never earned anything that I have. I didn't earn the plane ticket to get here, the books I just bought, the computer that I am typing on. Besides never earning any of these things, I have never attempted to make up for the fact I did not earn these things. I'm trying to tighten the belt. Most of you would never, ever in a million years move to the place that I am moving to. My mother was abstinate that I stay here, but I'm trying to live the life that I have earned--a little box in greenpoint in a renovated warehouse where musicians play 24/7 and smoke weed in the hallways. Maybe if I knew what I liked I would know what I want. I like the band, and I want to be in the band. We are doing very well. But I need to find a job. How do I do that? What kind of job can I have? Should I have? Would have me? I have failed every interview--from bartending to sales to PAs to even living in a fucking coop--It's starting to get to me. I don't know. I don't know what I am doing at all. I can't go visit my friends or my family. I would like that. I would like to have something to do, good god I am so bored.