White People Dancing

Lady Serotonin please paint stars on my head
make me want to live that part over again
an ugly monkey kid with hairless little limbs
sitting in the back of mommy’s car she said
RITALIN RITALIN RITALIN
I dance like a star but laughing
shouldn’t sound like this, it shouldn’t always
come out so hard, she said my body is huge,
my body is too huge—she said
my hands are along your skin
but I don’t feel a thing--oh fuck oh fuck
OH HOLY FUCK I AM DEAD.
Living makes me look like this WRETCH
diatomic gases leaking from my head, trickle of barf
with chunks of ugly things I did
Shh I said and pulled out the amygdala through her lids
until she started uh uh uh ohhh breathing again
Don’t you ever want it hard? Don’t you ever
want it want want want want it to push you too far?
I said POCO BABY BABY MY BABY IS FED
spent an hour posing in the mirror
singing honey bee darling, sugar lips sweetie
someday you’ll understand
that your mommy is dead.